~Dick O' The Day/Gold Star

I haven't handed out a Dick O' The Day award in a while.  Although NOT for a lack of a myriad of viable potential recipients.  Today I rectify that situation:

In daaaaaaaamn, that's pretty fuckin' drunk news
 

Man's Body Found in Car after Struck: MyFoxHOUSTON.com

As to not be a stone thrower, lemme say that A) drunk driving is wrong, bad and dangerous.  2)  That if you've ever been out and had a couple of beers and headed home, you know this is a 'there but for the grace of God' thing.  ...Of course, ya also gotta admit that being one over and still thinking your ok to maneuver your motor vehicle is one (bad) thing and the drunkeness needed to be able to drive completely unaware that Bernnie is in the car with ya, is a horse of another color and requires a special kinda set of dick making decision skills. 

Also outta Don't Mess With, and because I like a little yin with my yang:

Being from a non NBA part of the my state, I don't follow too much about anyone or anything associated with it.  Therefore, I have no feelings about new champs/Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.   After seeing this:  Mark Cuban Pledges Reward in Rape Case  It's a statement I can no longer make.  Good on ya Mark Cuban-  Gold Star!!

Don't be a dick. 

Go for the gold.

~Quoteable Noteables

Not too long ago I mentioned a favorite quote of mine being so stellar that it was in the BBG Top 10.  Of fuckingcourse I had no actual list. 

Until now my peeps!

Yes, that, in passing statement prompted me to officially compile my favorites.  Quotes so powerful that many serve as a compass for how I (try) lead my life.  

So here you go (in no particular order):

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you...you're cool, fuck you."  ~Scarface (Half Baked)

"You deserve what you accept."  ~Unknown Incredibly Wise Person

"All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."  ~Sir Edmund Burke

"He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."  
~Martin Luther King, Jr.
(Yes, I know it's the exact same concept.  I like 'em both.  Suck it.)

"Is that dog a fox?"  ~Unknown Drunk Girl 
(It was a dog.  The dog of the homeowner of the house were were at.  It was a beagle.)

"Each betrayal begins with trust."  ~Phish (Farmhouse)

"Ha-ha" ~Nelson Muntz

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."  ~Kierkegaard

"I'm in charge of me"  ~Me

"The only thing constant in life is change."  ~Francois de le Rochefoucauld

"If I speak to people calmly and clearly, I can articulate my position — especially if they can see the safety is off."  ~Unknown

Favorite Zombie Movie List

Here is a list of my favorite Zombie films. I'd like to hear your list as well.

George A. Romero’s, Night of the Living Dead : classic

Night of the Living Dead

Return of the Living Dead: they freakin ran for the first time

Return of the Living Dead

Pet Semetery 1 and 2: Zombie animals

Pet Semetary 2

Shaun of the Dead: What is there not to love about this movie?

Shaun of the Dead

Resident Evil series: Mila Jovovich, nuff said.

Resident Evil 2

Return of the Living Dead 3: First emo zombie

Return of the Living Dead 3

Army of Darkness: Some put it in the zombie category, some don't...I do.

Army of Darkness

And more recently: Zombieland, duh.

Zombieland

~Reunion-ing v2.5

I feel my reunion officially began Friday night with the drunken dial of a classmate I've know since the 4th grade, checkin' to see where I was, as she felt I should have been at the hometown drinking establishment where she and a few other classmates found themselves randomly congregating.  It warmed my heart to get a little outta the blue 'your being thought of' sign.  (Isn't that so corny?  Alas, 'da World ain't a corny free zone ya'll, so suck it.) 

It got me thinkin' about the fun I knew I was in for the following night. 

I know there are lots of people who feel very much like, 'I didn't like those people then, I'm not goin' to see them now', or I don't even know?  Maybe they feel like a reunion is another chance to be judged or sumthin'? 

"They" exist and if that's what ya feel that's totally valid and shit-- to each their own...but I do not get it.  At all. 

Of course any time you're not sitting in a room alone somebody's judging you.  I know who I fuckin' am so what do I care about what someone else thinks?  A:  I do not.  (Ok, obviously, I care what people think about me, frankly it's one of the main reasons I haven't shanked anyone yet.  Er, I just mean, I guess I don't care what anyone thinks about my four wheels that get me to and fro, nor what anyone thinks about my thighs, or how many to the left of the decimal point my savings reaches.  That I couldn't give a shit about.  ...Heeeeeeere's BBG:  Like it, love it, hate it, ignore it-- those are the options, your pick and I'm pretty cool with whatever ya choose, ya know?)

Digress much? 

Anyhoo, if you are staying away from your reunion rethink it.  I can almost promise that unless you actually attended school with this chick:

Your classmates really want to see you and that you'll have a great time seeing them.  I'm not sayin' you'll leave and want to institute an every 5 day contact schedule or anything, but I can say you'll have a good enough time that you'll wanna see them again in 5 years. 

Per Nike:  Just Do It.

(Per BBG:  Just Fuckin' Do It!!)

Here are some of the things that may happen if'n you do:

~You may find a new/old friend.  I've had this friend request for fuckin'ever but I could not place that face and the name was hazily sketchy to me too.  (In fairness, in my minds eye he's still 11, so this grown up FB pic meant nuthin'.)  Some of you may know my litmus test for Facebook friending is:  1) Friend people who are actual, real, honest to God friends.  B) Friend people you like and who you have or would share a beer with.  Nobody else gets in.  Therefore, this cat didn't make the cut.  While reunioning I introduce myself to some guy with fanfuckingtastic pants, who was there with a classmate, he tells me his name is Xxxx XxXxxxxxx (code name: Burberry) and it is this same FB request person I've ignored for the past year and a half.  Turns out he, along with his twin brother and I went to Our Lady of Bad Catholic Kids together!  Plus, we were having a PBR so friend request accepted.  Welcome Burberry!

~You may find yourself making the boy (codename: Fuck Truck, which FYI and I don't know why I feel the need to make this full disclosure I have no direct knowledge of.  He drove this cool ass rockin' mystery van back in the day.  It was just always referred to as the fuck truck.) you asked to Sadie Hawkins, who rejected you and broke your lil' teenage BBG heart (well...as much as your 15 year old heart can be broken...) cry.  Ok, technically I didn't make any water pop outta his peepers, but apparently I gave him such a hard time that later he felt compelled to make things right when he grabbed me and pulled me in for a 25+ years later smoooooooove 80's couples dance.  Yeah, baby, ya know the one.  Arms around his shoulders/arms around her waist combined with the slow circular shuffle. I laughed so hard.  And then spent some introspective time considering what the unyielding need and internal delight of making others feel uncomfortable says about me.  Conclusion:  Ima ass. In further make right-yness, Fuck Truck bought me a beer, so I guess now we're even.  (Note to Fuck Truck:  I do still have a story about a broken towel rack.  That ought to rate a hug and beer at the next reunion, right?)

~You may do the splits.

~You may feel some new boobs.  ...I thought to myself, 'I didn't remember (codename:  9-to-5) being so chesty'.  That lil' gem of internal dialogue was followed with, 'well, it's not like I spend a lot of time checkin' out other girls racks, I've got my own' and quickly continued on with my general tomfoolery and shenanigans.  Later someone unsolicited mentioned they were new.  Due to my chronic assyness and acute lack of appropriateness, my response to that news was, "I taught her how to use a tampon.  I'm gonna touch those tits."  Needless to say and embarrassing to admit poor 9-to-5 (who for obvious reasons will now be referred to as Dolly) found herself allowing a BBG to get to second base during a subsequent conversation.   Dolly asked how they were?  Honestly, I don't know.  I don't have a lot of experience with boobs, other than deez boobs.  (somewhere in mid-America a big brown girl cups her ta-tas and giggles by the glow of her computer)

~You may find that your classmates bring some fun ass spouses to the mix.  Several made me think, 'if I lived here I'd totally be friends with him/her too'.  Which is really nice to be able to say about strangers.

~You may learn that several of your classmates hold positions of importance in city government, education and other fields, which will make you think there is sumthin' seriously wrong with the world that lets someone who you've seen beer bong be in charge of anything.

~You may have self discovery.  You may find out that you're a hugger.  I always say I'm not a hugger.  Apparently this makes my pants on fire.  I hugged everybody.  Literally.  Wait.  I shook one hand.  All others were hugged whether they liked it or not.  Serious biz, how wrong must that one hand shaker rub me?  I also was reminded of how much of a flitter I am.  I took my seat for dinner.  Every moment before and after involved me flittin' here and flittin' there.  I really enjoy a big buncha friends.  Too often I'm in smaller groups of friends thus ruling out flitting opportunities.

~You may notice that when you look around the room you see grown ass men standing with their arms draped around another talking and doubling over in laughter, how comfortable it is to be with people you have history with.  Even if it's been forever since you last saw them.  Observing how much has changed, and how out of touch we've all become (hectic lives, geographical distances, that we are old enough that FB wasn't around so you just lost contact with people, etc.) that the bond is still there, really caught me off guard for a moment and touched my heart.  Don't get me wrong, the girls were havin' a grand time too, but ya kinda expect girls to be a tad more demonstrative in their affections with one another.  Even now thinking of seeing the guys like that kinda makes my eyes well up.  Fuck off people.  Fuck off.

~You may be magically surprised by how real everyone is.

~You may make a drunken dial.  Perhaps to Joshua Tree.  Once I said "nice to meet you" to the wife of a classmate she told me that we'd met before, that she had gone to our HS (a couple of years behind us) at which point I asked her last name back in the day.  That's when shock and awe and drunkin' dialin' ensued.  When I met one of my besties, Somp a million years ago at my first radio job, she told me one of her friends from little girlhood had moved to my hometown and attended the same HS.  I recognized her name but couldn't put a face together.  Until Saturday it had always been a smallworldness between us, Somp and me.  I was sooooo pleased to add the final component to it when I officially met her childhood friend, EK.  Even though Somp was camping at Joshua Tree where I suspected cell reception was limited I felt EK and I had to give it a whril.  I knew hearing our voices together would be a surprising delight for Somp who as she later told me, knew EK married a guy from our hometown, but didn't know that he also had attended our HS/my class.  Small ass world! 

~You may have to compose an email containing the line, "you should know that you are incredibly lucky I didn't slip you the tongue when you asked me to smooch you. ;-p" 

~You may learn about people passing.  I was saddened to hear of the deaths of 4 of our classmates.  I had known about a couple but had not heard about the others.  Gone too soon. 

~You may find that you are standing between parents of toddlers and grandparents who years ago walked in the same graduation procession, which I think is a spectacularly wacky combo.  It just underscored how different our lives have become, yet how much we enjoyed one another as we chatted, reminisced and giggled our way through the evening sans awkwardness.

~You may find yourself singing karaoke badly.  In strict adherence to my main rule of karaoke (do it outta town).  I tortured my classmates twice.  Once on my own, once as part of a duet for the Clint Black and Wynonna classic, 'Bad Goodbye'.    

(Irish For Life, 2011)

~You may have sooooo many good n' funny stories that you have to limit yourself in your blog.  Seriously limit yourself.

~You may find yourself saying, "I've had a grrrrreat time" and "I'll see you in 5 years!!"  I did.

Special thanks to all of those who pitched in to organize and put together our reunion, and to those who traveled so far to go home to grab a beer with some folks they hung with a quarter of a century ago. 

A big ass I missed you to all who didn't attend. 

Lastly, a shout out to my folks who on cops/nurse salaries sacrificed to send me to a place where I met such good kids.

P.S. Thanks to those of you who mentioned that you keep up with 'da World.  It came as a complete surprise to me.  A surprise of the most delightful sort.

~Kick Ass Dill Potato Salad

I mentioned my kick ass potato salad a few postings ago and Anonymous asked for the recipe.  File under: happy to oblige. 

Boil red potatoes until desired tenderness.

Additionally you'll need:

• Mayo
• Sour Cream
• Dill
• Those lil' onion thingies

Combine mayo and sour cream.  Some recipes call for half sour cream/half mayo, personally I go for 1/3 mayo and 2/3'rds sour cream (scale to the amount to cover potatoes cooked).  Configure any damn way you like. If you like a heavier mayo taste go heavier on the mayo and lighten up the sour cream.  There is no wrong, only what you like.  The true amount you'll need will depend on how much you think will be needed to coat the amount of potatoes your cooking, and you can add in more if you find you need more at any time.  Generally, I find about a cup of mayo/sour cream mixture will cover 3-4 med. red potatoes. 

Add dill.  If you like dill add a couple of tablespoons.  If you love dill add more.  Again, I'm a more the merrier, so I use a ton.

Lastly, finely slice these buggers. 

Honestly, I'm soooo not culinarily inclined that I'm not even sure of their real name (hence the photo).  I use about one stalk (minus the actual bottom onion-y part...but only because onion is not my favorite thing).

Cube potatoes, combine with mayo/dill/sour cream mixture. 

Cover and refrigerate.  Let sit overnight.  (I know you think you think specific amounts and measurements are the most important steps, they're not, but letting sit overnight is.  Yep, really.)   Salt and pepper to taste.  Enjoy the hell outta!

Alright Anonymous, I've done you the favor of sharin', please do me the favor of reporting in when you give it a whirl.  Merci.

Happy Potato Salading!!

What is POTTERMORE by J.K. Rowling?

POTTERMORE

By J.K. Rowling 

P  R  E  S  S      R  E  L  E  A  S  E 

Strictly embargoed until 12.01 hrs British Summer Time
Thursday 23rd June 2011 

J.K. Rowling announces Pottermore 

www.pottermore.com  

J.K. Rowling today, Thursday 23rd June, answered mounting speculation about the nature of her new project and announced  Pottermore, a unique and free-to-use website which builds an exciting online experience around the reading of her hugely successful Harry Potter books, and is partnered by Sony.  The announcement today was heralded by the revealing of the website’s name via an online search for its letters, and a ‘coming soon’ holding page which received over a million visits within 36 hoursof launching. 

For this groundbreaking collaborative project, J.K. Rowling has written extensive new material about the characters, places and objects in the much-loved stories, which will inform, inspire and entertain readers as they journey through the storylines of the books.  Pottermore will later incorporate an online shop where people can purchase exclusively the long-awaited Harry Potter eBooks, in partnership with  J.K.  Rowling’s publishers worldwide,  and is ultimately intended to become an online reading experience, extending the relevance of Harry Potter to new generations of readers, while still appealing to existing fans.  As the Pottermore Shop develops, it is intended that it should include further products designed specifically for Harry Potter fans, offering a potential outlet for Sony products and services related  to Pottermore.    In keeping with Harry Potter’s international appeal, the site will launch in English, French, Italian, German and Spanish, with more languages to follow. 

In the new website, the storyline  will be brought to life with sumptuous newly-commissioned illustrations and interactive ‘Moments’ through which you can navigate, starting with the first book, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s (Sorcerer’s) Stone. On entering, you choose a magic username and begin your experience.  As you move through the chapters, you can read and share exclusive writing from J.K. Rowling, and, just as Harry joins Hogwarts, so can you. You visit Diagon Alley, get sorted into a house, cast spells and mix potions to help your house compete for the House Cup.    

At a press conference at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London, Rowling revealed some key features of the website. In an announcement which will thrill fans, she described how she has brought to life both the Sorting Hat and Ollivanders experiences from her books for the first time on Pottermore, by revealing the questions asked by the Sorting Hat  - which places newcomers into their Hogwarts houses according to their characteristics - and the magic behind the Wand Chooser – which finds the right wand for each user from over 33,000  possible combinations. She also revealed glimpses of the new information she has provided on some of the best-loved characters.J.K. Rowling’s announcement on YouTube and sony.com today revealed that Pottermore (along with the Pottermore Shop) will be open to all users in October 2011.  From today, 23rd June, fans can submit their email addresses on Pottermore.com in order to be contacted by the site following the opening of registration on 31st July, Harry’s birthday.  Also on that date, an online challenge will be launched, whereby the first million people to complete their registration will gain early entry into the website, and help put final touches to the experience.   

J.K. Rowling commented, “I wanted to give something back to the fans that have followed Harry so devotedly over the years, and to bring the stories to a new digital generation.  I hope fans and those new to Harry will have as much fun helping to shape Pottermore as I have.   Just as I have contributed to the website, everyone else will be able to join in by submitting their own comments, drawings and other content in a safe and friendly environment – Pottermore has been designed as a place to share the stories with your friends as you journey through the site.” 

Pottermore has been made possible with the support and partnership of Sony. 

Sir Howard Stringer,  Chairman, Chief Executive Officer and President  of Sony Corporation, commented: “Sony's association with J.K. Rowling's Pottermore brings together one of the world’s most innovative  brands with the most successful book series in history, in a pioneering partnership that will help shape the future of story-telling.   We are proud to be a part of it, both at this momentous announcement, and as we collaborate on its development over the coming years.” 

On Sony’s partnership of Pottermore, J.K. Rowling commented: “As I think people know, I am very protective of Harry and have always been very selective with any new initiatives, but I am totally committed to making this partnership with Sony and this wonderful  new website a success.  There are many companies I could have worked with on this ultimate digital  expression of Harry Potter’s universe, but it is Sony’s unique philosophy of creativity in harmony with technology that made them my first choice as main partner. The spirit behind Sony’s make.believe philosophy is one that rings true with Pottermore’s own values.”

The detailed creative execution has been led by TH_NK, a leading UK digital  agency,  under the supervision of J.K. Rowling and the Pottermore management team, in co-operation with Sony.   J.K.Rowling’s publishers, Bloomsbury in the UK and Scholastic in the USA, as well as her international publishers worldwide, have been active supporters in the creation of  pottermore.com and thePottermore Shop.  Warner Bros, the makers of the hugely successful Harry Potter film franchise, is also one of the partners who have worked to support the launch of Pottermore through a variety of marketing, promotional and other efforts, and will continue to collaborate as the project grows. The storyline of the second book, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, will go live on the site in early 2012.  The Pottermore Shop opens when the site opens to all in October, selling complete ranges of the eBooks and digital audiobooks in a selection of languages, exclusively.Designed for fans of all ages, the website has been created with child safety in mind, employing best practice and compliance with internet codes of practice in the UK, Europe and USA, and elsewhere.   

Source: http://assets.pottermore.com/emcp/downloads/pottermore_pressrelease_230611.pdf

Screenshot preview of the Pottermore.com site from here.

That's it, I'm officially psyched!

~Want A Reply To Your Intro Email? 'Cause It Seems Like Ya' Don't. (GAP)

Welcome.  Settle yourselves.  Ok, we've talked a bit about photo selection and profile content.  If you were absent either of those days, scroll your ass down on the right hand side and click where it says GAP/Guy Assistance Program.  Today it's all about sending an intro email.

First and foremost, it's important that you remember this one salient detail:  Don't fuck it up.

I can not express to you how crucial not fucking it up is to the success of your emailing experience.  No.  I'm not kidding.  I know that's pressure.  Guess what?  Up your game.  I don't know any other answer that isn't bullshit.  It's Darwinism in action, the strong survive and thrive.  Guys who know how to not fuck this up are the guys getting the girls you aren't even getting replies from.  The level by which you must up your game is directly proportionate the level of girl you hope to attract.  Harsh?  Cold?  Yes.  Know what else?  True.

You'll never have to 'do work' (thanks, Big Black) for the low hangin' fruit, (Awww, look at me trying to be kind to sluts, "dancers", gold diggers, girls with substance issues, girls with daddy issues wait?  Are those all one in the same? and those with dangerously low IQ's).  You can do great with her with your JV worthy efforts.  A "heeeeeeeyyyy baby", and an offer of a buttery nipple shot will probably get the job done.

But if you're shooting for a girl who has her shit together, knows a little sumthin'-sumthin' about the world, a modicum of class, well, your "heeeeeeyyy baby-in'" ass is going to be stuffed.  No sir, you're going to have to demonstrate your skills of charm and ability to exchange pleasantries in a gentlemanly manner to even get your foot on the court.  Let alone get a chance to make a basket.  Man, you are going to have to come at an elite level for the higher quality girls. 

Here are some examples of what not to do:

 "You look like you have a great bod....I'd love to see more. Holla"
Somp:  Is this really the way to begin a conversation?....and I LOVE the addition of "Holla" at the end.
BBG:  If you wouldn't walk up and squeeze a girls knockers, instead of introducing yourself, then don't lead with naughty.  Sure, you won't get smacked in an email, but ya know what you also won't get?  A reply.
Result:  No response.
Why:  An overtly naughty approach signals that you think she just might be a slut.  Unless she is a slut this will be seen as a turnoff and an insult.  That coupled with the lack of effort put into the email will yield no reply from any self respecting chick.   No effort, no reward.  X # of emails received only strong, serious contenders advance to the next round.  Sorry, scrub.

"Hi Im (protecting name of guilty), You have amazing lips . Whats your secret?"
Somp:  Lip balm? Exfoliation?  A nice tinted gloss? ....not sure how to answer this one.
BBG:  ...And because you don't, you won't. 
Result:  No response.
Why:  Because really?  What can she say that isn't assy?  If the only other reply, other than assy is silence, guess what?  Shhhhhhhh.  Why is she going to spend 5 minutes sending a cordial, "best of luck" type email to be kind,  when he could only invest :06 seconds in his email?  Do the math.  1 sentence =  0 reply.  Make a cheat sheet if you have to.

"hey there, how are you today pretty lady?"
BBG:  What am I even supposed to say to that?  (harp-y music and mysteriously appearing bank o' fog signifies you are about to cross over into Fuckneverland...)  "Thanks for askin', I'm almost done with my period, I'm thinkin' of having a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and if the quality of my day and the emails I'm receiving don't improve, I'm strongly considering a glass of wine this evening.  Oh, and I plan on giving my dog a bath.  Gee, how 'bout you?"  I mean, come the fuck on. 
Somp:  'Oh, I'm good. How are you?' This is about all I can offer in reply....and I think we all agree, this is NOT witty banter. Is this really all you've got? This is how you're trying to grab my attention? I don't expect a novel as an intro email, but try to say SOMETHING that will intrigue me and pique my curiosity about you. Otherwise, I'm left to believe you're going to be a total snooze to hang out with.
Result:  No response.
Why?  Perhaps it was offered from a good place (see!! I really don't want to be a bitch.) and was genuine, but it just comes off all smarmy, player-y and not in the least bit engaging.  You don't care about my day.  I know you don't care about my day, so what are you doing?!?  Not getting a reply is what.  If we can avoid being a bitch we're gonna.  Even if that means we run the risk of you thinking we're a bitch for not responding.  It's a bitchy-22 you've put us in.  Congratulations.


"call me 216XXXX64X0 do live in Xxxxxxxxxxx"
BBG:  (stares blankly, refusing to break own personal best for most 'fuck's' used in one sentence.)
Somp:  While I appreciate a man who isn't dragging out the process (ie: emailing for weeks but never meeting), I find it odd when guys just throw out their phone number to every girl they see online - before determining if there is even a mutual interest. Comes off as...I don't know.....either desperate or lazy....or maybe both. Besides, it doesn't appear like you're really trying to connect with someone when you make absolutely no effort at all.
Result:  No response.
Why?  Really?

 Uh, yeah, guy in back with your hand up?  No, no, you..the one sans pants. 

(wonk, wonka, wonka, wonk)

Good question. 

Yes, it is possible to pen a successful intro email!

It doesn't even have to be a big ass ordeal, behold:

"Hi XXXXXXXXXX !!!! i live in Xxxxxxxxx too! Maybe we're neighbors! I think it's important for neighbors to know each other....just sayin'.. ;)"
BBG:  Kinda made me giggle with his ease and playfulness.  Additionally, it showed he actually read my profile and that I mention the necessity for close geographical proximity.
Somp:  See - no novel necessary. Just something catchy that shows you're paying attention and possibly have some measure of a personality. We're really not asking too much.
Result:  Response
Why?  It was gregarious, respectful and yet playful, and without being vulgar or over the line showed a level of interest on his part.  It's a fine line all too many penis people have trouble deciphering.  Good enough to find out something more, and isn't that the point of the intro email?


"Hey there, We're both in Xxxxxxxxxx so you gotta love that. I'm not a soda person either - but I AM an outgoing, adventurous person.
In fact, I too went to see PRINCE at the Forum. Stevie Wonder was our suprise guest as well as Shiela E. Who did you have your night as a suprise??
Please give me a shout...you look FUN! How's your weekend going?  -Xxxxx
Somp: He built a case. He gave me a reason to reply. He cut through the clutter, if you will and set himself apart from every other "hey baby" in the inbox.
BBG: Engaging, and he highlights commonalities in both experiences and general 'likes' you both share, showing he took the :30 second to actually read your profile. He comes off as interested and interesting.
Result: Response
Why?: Because he gave a reason to invest your time in a reply. He gives a clue to his personality which allows you to get a feel for if you might jive. This email is interesting, all positive and gives an opening to begin a conversation.

Alright guys, you now have examples of emailing/introductions going right and yielding the results you're looking for (a reply) and things to avoid like the plague. One last tip for today... The dreaded closed ended statement/question. (Avoid!   Avoid!   Avoid!!)

Closed Ended: Do you like dance clubs? (answer possibilities: yes/no)
Open Ended: Which dance clubs do you like to hit? (answer possibilities: endless possibilities -You'll know whether or not she like dance clubs at all immediately, plus you'll know exactly what kinds of places she digs and how that compares to your likes. Plus you've actually started a conversation.)

Closed Ended: You are beautiful. (reply: Uh, thanks. ...But more likely none at all.)
Open Ended: Hi beautiful fellow book lover, who are you reading these days? (reply: I love XYZ and ABC. Currently I'm on a LMN kick. What about you?   ...Whaaaaat?!? A conversation is kicking off?!?)

As you can see the closed ended option is always the option giving you the least amount of info and least options of a response. Well, at least not-assy responses. Somehow many closed ended statements/questions lend themselves very well to sarcasm and mockery. Either way, your choice. You've been warned.

Lesson learned?

• One sentence emails don't work. Don't be so fucking lazy.


• Do include a compliment. Girls like compliments. (Don't make it naughty, unless she actually cites pricing-- then, fine, get all kinda brown chicken, brown cow up in that joint. Otherwise avoid naughty compliments. Also steer clear of cheezy. As well as too many, limit yourself to a maximum of two.)



• Don't use closed ended questions/statements = kiss of death.



• Do mention something. Something you liked that we said in our profile. Something you think we have in common. Something you know that might interest us. Somefuckin'thing.



• Do use questions, don't just rely on statements. (It won't work. ...See how it's been mentioned twice?)



• Do if you've got it use your humor. (But realize one man's humor is another persons jackassery, use judiciously.)



• Do make it easy for a girl to reply. 

~Hate Thy Neighbor

First of all, I have named her Kooky McBean.  ...Which probably tells you a lot about my neighbor. 

But just so we're clear here are some of the reasons I don't like her:

She can't seem to master closing our fuckin' gate.  Seems like if every UPS, workerman and each and every visitor can manage to close it she could too.  But nooooooooo.

Also, she plants flowers around that common tree you see.  Never once has she asked for my input on flower selection, on what I kinda feel should not be solely her decision.  In all truthiness, this really doesn't bother me as I do not want any responsibility for watering anything more than what I already have to, (she of course wouldn't know that) nonetheless, I do find it rude and thoughtless.  I just wouldn't think of doing something in a communal space without consulting my neighbor(s).

She feeds, ostensibly the birds.

Which reeeallly means she feeds the squirrels...

Q:  Ya know who can get along fine without being fed by humans? 

A:  Birds and squirrels. 

It's not like either are in danger of extinction and Kooky McBean is the savior of their species.  They fuckin' live outdoors.  They know how to forage for food in their natural environment.   You almost never hear of massive bird/squirrel deaths due to lack of popcorn and bread.   Bringing them to your deck is irresponsible and inconsiderate.  All it leads to is the rest of us having to clean up after your visitors on our decks.  Cleaning bird poo is no fun.  Also no fun?  Fussin' at Uncle John who's barking up a storm because one of those bullshit squirrels you've invited over for a snack is walkin' my fence line, which to Uncle John is an outright declaration of war.

As if that wasn't enough she also is prone to... well, I'm not really sure?  But finding this on my hot tub lid is not (good) neighborly and gives me no reason to like her more either:

(blueberry bagel bit)

I also can't stand her because she seems to find it to be the worlds biggest task to bring her recycle bin back inside her garage after trash day.  I know this is trivial, but it looks...well, trashy.  (And how fuckin' lazy is that?!?)  She'll come and go for days leaving it out.  Sometimes it's only put back in a day or two before the next weekly trash pickup.  This of course means that now if she hasn't put it back within a day of trash day, I put her bin smack dab in the middle of her driveway so that she has to get out and move it in if she wants to park her car in her garage.  ...Yeah.  I'm that bitch.

And then there's this...

One day a free range dog in the neighborhood (and reason I hate some other neighbor) got into Kooky McBean's trash, not her fault.  However, her trash was spread all over our "yard", so I got a trash bag and started to gather it (look at me tryin' to be a good neighbor!) until I spied this what the fuckery: 

(Gross Alert!!)

This, based on her other trash was KFC chicken bones.  Now kids, when I was younger I grew a raisin on my bedside table once, so I know that food decomposition is not as quick of a process as one might imagine, so I know that this kind of fuzzy, creepy ass situation does not happen in the 7 days since our last trash day.  This is nasty and gross, and frankly makes me wonder about the state of the inside of that chicks place.  I'll have to continue to wonder as I have never (not one single time) seen her blinds open. 

Kooky McBean, you're quite a piece of work.

I believe I've avoided being morbid

How do you wanna go out?  I wanna die peacefully in my sleep or while having hot and sweaty...but then I realized there are many much more elaborate and grand deaths and so, I decided to get a little more creative...

5 Best and 5 Worst Ways To Die:

Best: Valiant Volcano Death
In a courageous act of heroism I sacrifice myself by plunging into the mouth of a giant active volcano, miraculously stopping the impending doom of eruption, saving thousands from a dreadful demise. Oh Hell Yeah!

Worst: Eaten Alive
By taking a swim in a piranha infested lake. Because that would just be stupid.

Best: Offed By Poison Dart
It would be a slow working poison causing a high fever in which I would undergo vivid hallucinations where I would be flying, in which case, not realizing that I have actually swan dived off the Golden Gate Bridge and am falling to my death.

Worst: Toilet Drowning
Luckily, I have not yet been that drunk...

Best: Death by Rock-n-Roll
Who wouldn't want to go out that way?!

Worst: Autopsied
"After making the cut, the subject's heart...*cough*...After rectifying an anomaly, I will now continue the procedure of removing the heart."

Best: Glomped To Death
For those who don't know, to be glomped is to be hugged with a great enthusiasm. I'd be loved to death.

Worst: Chewed To Death
If I were attacked by zombies it would not be like with the piranhas. The piranhas would finish me off where zombies (as seen in the movies) never finish their meals. They chew on ya for a bit, maybe rip some flesh here and there or remove a limb, but they never completely finish you off, down to the bone as it were. Of course, then I'd become a zombie myself and I would at least have the decency...anyway

Best: In A Grand Escape
In truth I'd want to live long enough to be that old lady in a wheelchair recognized by all the good looking, young male nurses as the one to watch out for.

My final downfall would be in the headlines: "98 yr old looses her life while attempting an intricately planned escape from the local senior citizens home..."

Worst: Being scared half to death, twice.

P.S.  There's a Facebook page and I just haven't felt like fucking with a widget yet, but here's a link.  Go "like" it mmkay.

30 Day Book Challenge

I saw this on a Facebook page that my friend is participating in. Since I love the written worlds with a passion, I can't help but answer. I decided to publish it here instead of posting everyday on Facebook for the next 30 days (which is probably the point but let's try to ignore that) because I don't think I have the time nor determination to finish the whole thing till Day 30. So yes, let's just pretend I'm actually posting a really long status on my Wall.

*Opens up Stanza app and memory neurons in my head*

Day 01-Your favorite Book

Can't. Pick. One. Seriously.

Day 02-Least Favorite Book 

New Moon - Stephanie Meyer


Day 03-A Book that completely surprised you (bad/good)
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen


Day 04- A Book that reminds you of home
ABNKKBS N PL Ko - Bob Ong


Day 05- A Non-fiction book that you actually enjoyed
Fundamentals of Nursing - Kozier


Day 06- A Book that makes you cry
The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffeneger


Day 07- A Book that’s hard to read
Love in the Time of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez


Day 08- An unpopular book you believe should be a Best-Seller
The Gun Seller - Hugh Laurie


Day 09- A Book you’ve read more than once 
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - JK Rowling


Day 10- The first novel you remember reading
Tick Tock - Dean Koontz


Day 11- The Book that made you fall in love with reading
The Lucky Ones - Nicholas Sparks


Day 12- A book so emotionally draining you couldn't complete it or had to set aside for a bit
The Girl With A Dragon Tattoo - Stieg Larsson

Day 13- Favorite childhood book

Baby-Sitter's Club Series - Ann M. Martin

Day 14- Book that should be on hs/college required reading list

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - Gregory Maguire

Day 15- Favorite book dealing with foreign culture

The Book Thief - Mark Zusak


Day 16- Favorite book turned movie
Something Borrowed - Emily Giffin

Day 17- Book turned movie and completely desecrated

The Other Boleyn - Philippa Gregory

Day 18- A Book You can’t find on shelves anymore that you love

Fearless - Francine Pascal

Day 19- A Book that changed your mind about a particular subject (non-fiction)

Microbiology and Parasitology

Day 20-A Book you would recommend to an ignorant/racist/closed minded person

Atonement - Ian McEwan

Day 21-A guilty pleasure book

Sleeping Beauty - Anne Rice

Day 22-Favorite Series

The Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins 

Day 23- Favorite Romance Novel

Something Blue - Emily Giffin

Day 24 - A Book you later found out the Author lied about

The Other Boleyn - Phillipa Gregory

Day 25-Favorite Autobiographical/Biographical book

Never read a straight autobiographical book. For some reason, stories of real people doesn't interest me.

Day 26-A Book you wish would be written

The Adventures of Albus Severus Potter - JK Rowling ;)

Day 27- A Book you would write if you had all the resources

(Something to the tune of) Mortal Instruments Trilogy - Cassandra Clare

Day 28- A Book you wish you never read

Nights in Rodanthe - Nicholas Sparks

Day 29- An Author that you completely avoid/hate wont read

No one really, even Stephanie Meyer didn't make the cut. Would give any book written by anyone a try.

Day 30 - An Author that you will read whatever they put out

Queen J.K. Rowling and Cassandra Clare