~Why, Trend? Why?!? (GAP/Guy Assistance Program)

In a continued effort to help online guys everywhere, we're revisiting the Claymore laden land of profile photos.  Of all of the, um, "interesting" photos we've seen there seems to be a few very popular and very bad trends we recommend you avoid.  ...In fact, as if your life depended on it, because your dating life actually does.  That is, if you are looking to appeal to chicks...

Bad Pic Trends to Avoid:

The Look At My Nipples

Thank you Somp for coining the phrase, "I dig guys in shirts"!! 

The I Have No Friends

Guys, it's not the hardest thing in the world, it's not like asking for directions for fucks sake.  It's asking a someone (friend, family, stranger on the street) to take a quick snappy for you.  Clllllllick!  Done.  The cell phone/mirror thing is played out, does not yield your most favorable or flattering best foot picture forward, and is fixed with 7 words; "Will you take a picture for me?" 

 

The Drive 'N Click

Yeah, you gotta car.  Got it.  ...Maybe it's because we're girls, and are generally only soooo interested in cars, but we just don't understand the obsession with in vehicle pics.  While not the largest of photo offenses, it's not something that's gonna make us take any sort of special note of you either.  

The Nobody'll Recognize This Is Me With Shades Pic

Dear Guys,

Sunglasses are not, I repeat, n-o-t a disguise.  If we know you, we'd be able to recognize you regardless of your shades.  Fail.  Choosing to wear sunglasses does keep us from seeing your peepers, which as it's frowned upon to walk around with your junk out, eyes are one of only a scant few other physical parts we have any interest in at all.  Sunglasses on your only, or every pic is the equivalent of a boy burka.  You're hiding something that is more than likely gonna be a huge asset for you, dumbass.

Love,

BBG, on behalf of girls everywhere.  Literally.

The Well, My Hands Are Clean (we hope!), Might As Well Take A Picture Photos

Seriously guys?? ... You're out? ...Throwin' back a few, maybe eatin' a couple of wings, you break the seal and then BAM!!  "I gotta get a picture in this public restroom"????... 

Congrats!  You've made 'what the fuck' seems woefully inadequate.

The Burt Reynolds

Fact:  The Burt Reynolds ONLY works if you ARE Burt Reynolds.  And if it's 1977.

Make sure you've got it:

• If you are not in/near a body of water or involved in some other sanctioned 'I'm not wearin' a shirt activity' Don't go topless.  (Remember:  Girls dig guys in shirts.)
• Do resist the urge to use a picture from a mother fuckin' public restroom.  The dearth of icky vibes, connotations and sense memories that seeing that bathroom brings to us, trust me-- it's not the mindset you want us in as we glean our first impressions of you.
• Do leave the Burt Reynoldsing to Burt Reynolds.  And possibly Ryan Reynolds.  All other men just say no!!
• My prom date kept his glasses on in practically every picture taken.  Know what almost every girl who's ever seen my prom pic has said?  And I fuckin' quote, who's that douchebag? unquote.  We don't hate the sunglasses, but we do generally love a guys eyes.  Do play to your strengths and show us those baby blues.
• Cell phone/mirror pics.  Enough already.  Every third guy it seems is that guy.  Don't you want us to see you literally and figuratively as someone different from all of the other guys with a camera phone out there?  Don't be cookie cutter.  Do have a real snap taken and show us some of your personality.
• Do feel free to skip the driving shot, a safety belt and steering wheel doesn't turn us on, like apparently you guys think it will.  It's probably not very safe anyway.

Until next time class...

~Want A Reply To Your Intro Email? 'Cause It Seems Like Ya' Don't. (GAP)

Welcome.  Settle yourselves.  Ok, we've talked a bit about photo selection and profile content.  If you were absent either of those days, scroll your ass down on the right hand side and click where it says GAP/Guy Assistance Program.  Today it's all about sending an intro email.

First and foremost, it's important that you remember this one salient detail:  Don't fuck it up.

I can not express to you how crucial not fucking it up is to the success of your emailing experience.  No.  I'm not kidding.  I know that's pressure.  Guess what?  Up your game.  I don't know any other answer that isn't bullshit.  It's Darwinism in action, the strong survive and thrive.  Guys who know how to not fuck this up are the guys getting the girls you aren't even getting replies from.  The level by which you must up your game is directly proportionate the level of girl you hope to attract.  Harsh?  Cold?  Yes.  Know what else?  True.

You'll never have to 'do work' (thanks, Big Black) for the low hangin' fruit, (Awww, look at me trying to be kind to sluts, "dancers", gold diggers, girls with substance issues, girls with daddy issues wait?  Are those all one in the same? and those with dangerously low IQ's).  You can do great with her with your JV worthy efforts.  A "heeeeeeeyyyy baby", and an offer of a buttery nipple shot will probably get the job done.

But if you're shooting for a girl who has her shit together, knows a little sumthin'-sumthin' about the world, a modicum of class, well, your "heeeeeeyyy baby-in'" ass is going to be stuffed.  No sir, you're going to have to demonstrate your skills of charm and ability to exchange pleasantries in a gentlemanly manner to even get your foot on the court.  Let alone get a chance to make a basket.  Man, you are going to have to come at an elite level for the higher quality girls. 

Here are some examples of what not to do:

 "You look like you have a great bod....I'd love to see more. Holla"
Somp:  Is this really the way to begin a conversation?....and I LOVE the addition of "Holla" at the end.
BBG:  If you wouldn't walk up and squeeze a girls knockers, instead of introducing yourself, then don't lead with naughty.  Sure, you won't get smacked in an email, but ya know what you also won't get?  A reply.
Result:  No response.
Why:  An overtly naughty approach signals that you think she just might be a slut.  Unless she is a slut this will be seen as a turnoff and an insult.  That coupled with the lack of effort put into the email will yield no reply from any self respecting chick.   No effort, no reward.  X # of emails received only strong, serious contenders advance to the next round.  Sorry, scrub.

"Hi Im (protecting name of guilty), You have amazing lips . Whats your secret?"
Somp:  Lip balm? Exfoliation?  A nice tinted gloss? ....not sure how to answer this one.
BBG:  ...And because you don't, you won't. 
Result:  No response.
Why:  Because really?  What can she say that isn't assy?  If the only other reply, other than assy is silence, guess what?  Shhhhhhhh.  Why is she going to spend 5 minutes sending a cordial, "best of luck" type email to be kind,  when he could only invest :06 seconds in his email?  Do the math.  1 sentence =  0 reply.  Make a cheat sheet if you have to.

"hey there, how are you today pretty lady?"
BBG:  What am I even supposed to say to that?  (harp-y music and mysteriously appearing bank o' fog signifies you are about to cross over into Fuckneverland...)  "Thanks for askin', I'm almost done with my period, I'm thinkin' of having a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch and if the quality of my day and the emails I'm receiving don't improve, I'm strongly considering a glass of wine this evening.  Oh, and I plan on giving my dog a bath.  Gee, how 'bout you?"  I mean, come the fuck on. 
Somp:  'Oh, I'm good. How are you?' This is about all I can offer in reply....and I think we all agree, this is NOT witty banter. Is this really all you've got? This is how you're trying to grab my attention? I don't expect a novel as an intro email, but try to say SOMETHING that will intrigue me and pique my curiosity about you. Otherwise, I'm left to believe you're going to be a total snooze to hang out with.
Result:  No response.
Why?  Perhaps it was offered from a good place (see!! I really don't want to be a bitch.) and was genuine, but it just comes off all smarmy, player-y and not in the least bit engaging.  You don't care about my day.  I know you don't care about my day, so what are you doing?!?  Not getting a reply is what.  If we can avoid being a bitch we're gonna.  Even if that means we run the risk of you thinking we're a bitch for not responding.  It's a bitchy-22 you've put us in.  Congratulations.


"call me 216XXXX64X0 do live in Xxxxxxxxxxx"
BBG:  (stares blankly, refusing to break own personal best for most 'fuck's' used in one sentence.)
Somp:  While I appreciate a man who isn't dragging out the process (ie: emailing for weeks but never meeting), I find it odd when guys just throw out their phone number to every girl they see online - before determining if there is even a mutual interest. Comes off as...I don't know.....either desperate or lazy....or maybe both. Besides, it doesn't appear like you're really trying to connect with someone when you make absolutely no effort at all.
Result:  No response.
Why?  Really?

 Uh, yeah, guy in back with your hand up?  No, no, you..the one sans pants. 

(wonk, wonka, wonka, wonk)

Good question. 

Yes, it is possible to pen a successful intro email!

It doesn't even have to be a big ass ordeal, behold:

"Hi XXXXXXXXXX !!!! i live in Xxxxxxxxx too! Maybe we're neighbors! I think it's important for neighbors to know each other....just sayin'.. ;)"
BBG:  Kinda made me giggle with his ease and playfulness.  Additionally, it showed he actually read my profile and that I mention the necessity for close geographical proximity.
Somp:  See - no novel necessary. Just something catchy that shows you're paying attention and possibly have some measure of a personality. We're really not asking too much.
Result:  Response
Why?  It was gregarious, respectful and yet playful, and without being vulgar or over the line showed a level of interest on his part.  It's a fine line all too many penis people have trouble deciphering.  Good enough to find out something more, and isn't that the point of the intro email?


"Hey there, We're both in Xxxxxxxxxx so you gotta love that. I'm not a soda person either - but I AM an outgoing, adventurous person.
In fact, I too went to see PRINCE at the Forum. Stevie Wonder was our suprise guest as well as Shiela E. Who did you have your night as a suprise??
Please give me a shout...you look FUN! How's your weekend going?  -Xxxxx
Somp: He built a case. He gave me a reason to reply. He cut through the clutter, if you will and set himself apart from every other "hey baby" in the inbox.
BBG: Engaging, and he highlights commonalities in both experiences and general 'likes' you both share, showing he took the :30 second to actually read your profile. He comes off as interested and interesting.
Result: Response
Why?: Because he gave a reason to invest your time in a reply. He gives a clue to his personality which allows you to get a feel for if you might jive. This email is interesting, all positive and gives an opening to begin a conversation.

Alright guys, you now have examples of emailing/introductions going right and yielding the results you're looking for (a reply) and things to avoid like the plague. One last tip for today... The dreaded closed ended statement/question. (Avoid!   Avoid!   Avoid!!)

Closed Ended: Do you like dance clubs? (answer possibilities: yes/no)
Open Ended: Which dance clubs do you like to hit? (answer possibilities: endless possibilities -You'll know whether or not she like dance clubs at all immediately, plus you'll know exactly what kinds of places she digs and how that compares to your likes. Plus you've actually started a conversation.)

Closed Ended: You are beautiful. (reply: Uh, thanks. ...But more likely none at all.)
Open Ended: Hi beautiful fellow book lover, who are you reading these days? (reply: I love XYZ and ABC. Currently I'm on a LMN kick. What about you?   ...Whaaaaat?!? A conversation is kicking off?!?)

As you can see the closed ended option is always the option giving you the least amount of info and least options of a response. Well, at least not-assy responses. Somehow many closed ended statements/questions lend themselves very well to sarcasm and mockery. Either way, your choice. You've been warned.

Lesson learned?

• One sentence emails don't work. Don't be so fucking lazy.


• Do include a compliment. Girls like compliments. (Don't make it naughty, unless she actually cites pricing-- then, fine, get all kinda brown chicken, brown cow up in that joint. Otherwise avoid naughty compliments. Also steer clear of cheezy. As well as too many, limit yourself to a maximum of two.)



• Don't use closed ended questions/statements = kiss of death.



• Do mention something. Something you liked that we said in our profile. Something you think we have in common. Something you know that might interest us. Somefuckin'thing.



• Do use questions, don't just rely on statements. (It won't work. ...See how it's been mentioned twice?)



• Do if you've got it use your humor. (But realize one man's humor is another persons jackassery, use judiciously.)



• Do make it easy for a girl to reply. 

~Continuing Ed (GAP)

Alright class, settle down, pencils out.  Last time we discussed the importance of picture selection (aka: the first 1st impression), today we're gonna take a peek at a few other integral aspects where many guys are failing. 

Badly.


Your Profile-
There are soooo many ways to fuck this up.  So.  Very.  Many.   Let's begin with the "duh's"... Spelling and grammar;  USE THEM!  For fucks sake, what makes ya think it's not important?  For at least 12 years, every day in school people tried to emphasise this point.  Why would you think it doesn't matter here? 

We're not expecting you to write a profile that could be mistaken for your dissertation, however, it also shouldn't read like a slow, possibly dyslexic 14 year old wrote it either.  Girls aren't going to knock each other over to get to the dumb boy in the room, even if he's cute.  Try a little punctuation.  Craft coherent thoughts.  Use fuckin' spell check.  God, Bill Gates and Al Gore made it for a reason.

This is real:
(sic) "ian laid back guy like going out haven fun like to go listen to live music like countrymusic and older rocken roll like to sit anround fire pit and cook outs like to go to fairs and fleamarket i like going camping and fishing like to restore old cars like to work out in the yard i have work very hard get thing iv got i like to joke around just some good old fun it is better tell truth up front to wait it to late ian looking for someone loyal and honest im looking for someone that is serious in meeting getting to know each other i dont pretend to be someone im not i like wacthing demlition derby i run few my self some women on here think that there great on here if there great why are there on this site looking for some one they think there to good to talk people need to know just ask like they say you judge a book by it cover you just might just miss a good one no players"

Holy fuck grammar Batman. 



~This Isn't An Election Commerical, Don't Go Negative:  Your profile is not the place to address your deep seeded and painful issues.  "GAMES, LIES, CONFUSION...Whats the point", "No more pussies.  Real women only, please" (-- I know we're talkin' "don'ts", but, honestly I give a bit of credit for the no problem usage of pussy, with the respect of a please.), "do any women tell the truth?  tired of the BS", "tired of girls so FULL OF THEMSELVES", "All gold diggers exit now please", "looking for someone who is not a ****"; are all great things to discuss with your shrink, or over a beer with your buddy.  These are not things to include in your profile.  Why?  Because such shit just show us that however you were burned in your last relationship(s), you've not really worked through it.  These words are the hallmark that let us know that those past unresolved experiences taint the prism by which you'll be able to see or experience anything/one new.  --And not in the 'live, learn, watch out for way' either.  But in the, 'I'm gonna make you pay for someone elses stupidity, infidelity, inconsideration, selfishness, mean-ness, etc, way'.   Guys don't want to be punished for the last boyfriends bad actions, neither do girls.   

This is real:
(sic)  "Discribing myself does no good for the person reading this discription. I can say or write anything to make myself sound great or to try to convince you to contact me, but the only way your really going to know who I am is to talk and get to know me. Dating is hard enough as it is, but when you try to make yourself something your not, then that makes it even harder. I am a good man that made some bad choices in the women that I have married. I am not scared of making a comment as long as it isnt a one sided relationship. I dont have a problem being romantic if that is what a women likes."

Cliche's are so because they are rooted in truth, you will get more with honey than vinegar.   Eliminate the negative and focus in on the fuckin' positive.  Write good traits you have or desire in a mate.  Qualities that ideally you'd like to find, not how that damn (insert name here) screwed you over.  Describe why we would want to hang out with you, not give us a reason not to.  Make you appealing. 



~Watch Your Tone:  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP YELLING AT US. 

This is real:
(sic)  "I AM AN AMBITIOUS, FUN LOVING GUY AND I AM LOOKING ON THIS SITE FOR A NICE HONEST WOMAN TO DATE AND GO OUT AND HAVE FUN WITH GOING TO EVENTS, FAIRS,SHOPPING OR WHATEVER. I AM REAL DOWN TO EARTH SIMPLE KIND OF GUY. I DON'T LIKE TO MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY HAVE TO BE. JUST LIKE TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST BECAUSE THE YEARS SEEM TO JUST FLY BY. I THINK LIFE IS TO SHORT TO BE LONELY. AND MISERABLE. BUT I WORK ALOT OF HOURS AT WORK AND I LIVE BY MYSELF, EXCEPT FOR MY DOG, WHICH I LOVE TO DEATH! SHE IS SPOILED ROTTEN BUT SHE IS A GOOD DOGGIE! I AM AN OUTDOOR PERSON, I LIKE CAMPING,CEDAR POINT,GARDENING. AND RENOVATION. PROJECTS AROUND THE HOUSE.SO IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO MEET SOMETIME AND GET TO KNOW ME, SEND ME A MESSAGE"


You'll find a wee key to the left of your left hand pinkie.  FUCKING PUSH IT.

Conversely, please don't whhhhisper. 

This is real:
(sic)   "i will like to meet someone to go out tosee a good movie,eat i love food,go to a club i like to dance and drink some just in off to make me feel good ,i like all kinds of music i think is the best thing to do to the stress go out and forget about everything that way you dont think about u problems bills etc."

Good grief.  All of those lower case "i"'s.  It strikes us as the typing of a sad sack, perhaps someone who walks around head lowered and kinda stooped over. Yes, it is the poor posture of writing.  If Charlie Brown had email, I bet he'd write in all lower case.  ...Even Peppermint Pattie didn't want Charlie Brown. 

You'll find a button to remedy this on the left hand side, again near the pinkie (and we all know that if the pinkie can make it happen, it's not too much effort), it says 'shift', hit it every now and again.



~Remember You Are Not Fabio:  Yes, everyone likes the idea of a life that looks like the cover of a romance novel, (I guess?) chocked full o' long walks on the beach, horseback rides at sunset and skipping through fields of clover.  Unless you A) happen to live on oceanfront property (George Strait shout out!), 2) own a horse,  III) or are legitimately an heir to the  Massengill fortune, feel completely free to leave such things out of your profile.  Honestly, it doesn't show that you're tryin' very hard, or are really in touch with what a girl wants.  It also doesn't differentiate you from the other 98 guys who included "walks in the rain" in some misguided attempt to woo us. 



~It's Hard To Start:  "I don't know where to begin", "I'm no good at writing this stuff" and all other variations.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Got it.  Not interesting.  Or informative.  It's the filler in your profile crab cake, and nobody orders the crab cake because it's got extra filler.  Give us some juicy, flaky, sweet goodness and just fuckin' start already.



~Be Confident, Not Cocky:  FYI, girls don't like cocky.  Cockiness always covers for low self esteem and/or real, or imagined, perceived internal inadequacies.  A confident guy is secure in his...um....his-ness.  He owns what he is.  He doesn't need to play it up because he's solid with who he is.  A cocky guy isn't secure enough in his 'his-ness' to let that speak for itself.  Nooooo, he's gotta get all boasty and braggy about it in an attempt to lure a girl in, because he thinks his his-ness isn't enough, which always comes off as desperate and sad.  And what girl needs an added dose of desperate and sad in her life? 

This is real:
I'm online here, looking for a real relationship. I'm social, have lots of friends, but I've found the girls in LA bars are not interested in a relationship, being a couple. Moreover, I'm kind of hard to "get". I'm sensitive, totally love to be in committed relationships, believe in the Romeo and Juliet in-love-forever, hearts-race-when-we-see-each-other kind of love (and I write songs about that), but without knowing that a girl in a bar sees a tall, blue-eyed good-looking, fun, rich guy who own a couple of luxury houses on the beach, collects exotic cars, plays in a party band, works out to have six pack abs, and mastered a stock market hedge fund. So you can imagine finding a match is a bit challenging. I know the true comes out in the lyrics of the songs I write. Good stuff, here's one song I wrote:



"A Kiss, is a beautiful thing. Affection shaped and curled together. A union with blind eyes, and open hearts"...

Remember:  Confident = good.  Cocky = you spending another night rubbin' one out.



...Well.  On that note, we'll wrap things up for the day. 

Before you make your profile:

• Decide what vibe you want girls to take away from your content.  Establish your objective.  Pen your narrative accordingly.
• Convey something that sets you apart, that's interesting, something that shows a trait that makes us think you'd potentially make a good match.  
• Don't be David Downer.  Accentuate the positive.
• Do be yourself, but be the yourself that uses fucking spell check.  Make friends with periods, commas and paragraphs.
• Make YOU appealing.
• Include what's known as a call to action.  Cajole, tempt, dare, entice your reader to take an action and reach out to you.  Create an easy opening for her to say hello.

Next time, making contact.  Cllllllllaaaasssssss dismissed.


* Special, big ass Thanks to Somp for your "research" assistance and all 'round general cool chick-ness.    

~Two Girls Helping 1 Guy At A Time

...Wait.  That title sounds like a threesome. 

WARNING:  THIS POST HAS ZERO TO DO WITH MENAGE ET TROIS.

Alright. 

Now that we have that cleared up...

Sooooooo, I'm starting to dip my tootsies into the dating pool.  Afuckingain.  I feel like it would be all to easy to not.  But I know that's not in the best interest of BBG happiness.  I tell ya though, the older I get, the more stuff that happens, the more I kinda understand how full-time bitter people come to be.   When I was younger, I used to wonder how some grownups were so unhappy or angry with, seemingly everything.  Now that I'm o-l-d I understand, I know it takes effort, determination and strength to get back up when life hands you a beat down.   It's infinitely easier to stay down on the mat, mired in bitterness and sad-sackdom, than to stagger back up to your feet and take another swing, ya know?  Here's the thing about the mat, sure it's safer there, but the belt can't be won from down there.  Choices.  We all have 'em.  And I'm choosing to stand up and take another shot at the title.

I'm "out there again".  It is what it is. 

And what it is, is odd. 

(Disclaimer:  Generally, I dig odd.  I think odd is wicked awesome.)

In addition to randomly bumping into guys, setups, etc.  Or as Somp phrases it in her cool kid Cali way , "meeting organically",  I am checking out the online guy options.  I was chattin' with Somp, who is also perusing the online guy meeting options, the other day when the convo turned to guys and the (in our estimation) crazy ass stuff we noticed or have experienced, particularly online.  (Hence, the 2 girls part.  See.  I told ya' no kinky sex.)

Maybe because we both have a background in advertising/marketing, we might notice things slightly differently than the average girlie.  We realize the vital importance of 'positioning', and how it can be a deal maker, or breaker.  But at the end of the day, while we might be a tad more critical attuned to things (like marketing yourself), we are still just people.  People who just like everybody else forms a judgement, and bases decisions on cursory info available to us.   

I know, I know, ya shouldn't judge a book by it's cover and all the rest of that happy horseshit...  But when all you have to go on is the book cover, what else can we make our assessment on?

As a aid to all guys we've selected a few of the most common don't's, in our opinion.  As advertising taught us many, many years ago, you don't get a second chance to make a first impression.  (Thank you Head and Shoulders ad team!) 

Might as well start with the first first impression. 

Photos-

This really seems to be a pitfall for the penis people. Before you post a picture. We beg of you, THINK.

Take a moment to think about to someone who knows squat about you, what that picture tells them you are. (Of course, we don't want you to post some pic that is what you looked like one day in your life, if that's not the authentic you. Be who you are. But be cognizant that the little thumbnail pic we see is literally all we know about you, make sure you're making your best case for why we would want to find out any more.)

'Cause here's what we think when we see this stuff:

...to show me how to flip a picture...

(mentally finishing your headline)

Do you reeeeeally want to introduce yourself to us by saying ya don't know how to use that lil' rotate button? That's too advanced for ya? Or you're just sooooo not detail oriented that you couldn't bother with the 1.3 seconds it would have taken to have flipped that around? It makes us think dumb or lazy. Neither of which tend to be on many skirts wish lists, ya know? If you're making me throw out my neck to even see if ya might be appealing, now, how thoughtful will you be of us in 3 weeks when best foot forward behavior is weaning?

Don't plant that seed in our minds. Make us seeing you easy. Don't use a fuzzy photo that we can't reeeeeally see ya. Make sure at least one of your pics is a clear face pic. ...And don't make us break our necks to do it.

...What? Maybe with the sunglasses nobody'll recognize you?

Somebody like, let's say YOUR WIFE?!?...

This also makes me think something else, oh, what was it? Mmmmm? Oh, yeah, ASSSSSSHOLE I guess there are girls who don't care about helping you commit adultery. Good on ya for being upfront in your infidelity, I guess. (P.S. You're parents must be proud.)

...Get to know you?

What?  So I can judge whether we could hang or not?...

What kinda crazy ass statement is that? You may not be doing yourself any service if your headline brings to our mind words like incongruent, ironic (in the not good way) and kinda kooky. Or if our mind starts to wander and considers if Mr. T did have a lovechild? (Although, that's just a personal impression. I'm confident that many girls totally go for the starter kit vibe.)

...And kinda creepy...

(mentally Paul Harvey-ing the rest of the headline)

Really, unless you're looking for former illusion assistants, this might not be the very best "hello" choice of pics. Let you're freak flag fly and all, but know that this cuts out a huge number of girls to consider you as date potential. This is akin to postin' a pic with your Star Trek/Wars costume attending a "con" of some sort. Sure, we know you guys like that stuff and junk, and that's cool, whateves, but it's not exactly the way to reel people with boobs in, ya know? A showman like this should know how to play to his audience better.

...Bitter much?...

(Because I am who I yam, I also think LAW BREAKER!

You're not supposed to wear buds whilst driving.

It's dangerous, dumbass.)

That's riiiiiight, nuthin' brings the girlies in like offending them!  The headline, and other variations of the whine-y same theme, "are there any good honest women left?", "nice guys finish last", which no matter what words are selected or what order they're lined up, all just scream; negative(!), childish(!), bitter(!), hot mess(!), again, none of which are in any girl's pro collum. Listen, we all have our negative, bitter moments. ...Maybe that's just not the moment to write your profile/email/headline. Honestly, this headline also makes girls wonder what kinda craptastic vibe he must be throwing out there to seemingly, illicit such negative responses from the girls he has "complimented"? (raises eyebrow)

..When I was seventeeeeeeeen, it was a verrrrrry good year...

If you are actually closer to being a senior citizen than being a teen, ya probably shouldn't use your senior picture.  First of all ya know who has a good senior picture?  That's right, nodamnbody.  Which should be enough of a reason to chose another fuckin' picture.  But if it's not, consider why we'd even give a shit about what you looked like 20+ years ago?  Exactly how's that helpin' us now?  Do you posses time travel technology that would allow us to go hurl back in time so that we could be on the arm of your 18 year old self?  If the answer is no, please use current photos. 

...Who's also a skilled barber for me and my tragic pal...

What can we possibly add to this cautionary photo tale?  Uh, other than don't, and nexxxxt!!

Remember the camera adds 10lbs.  And a mobile home.  BTW, something girls in a tornado zone rarely find appealing.  Again, we're girls.  We notice everything you're telling us, whether verbally or visually.  Consider not only what you look like in your selected photo, but what assumptions we'll make from background details.

That's it for today's class.  Next time we'll delve into some other prevalent pitfalls.  For now study up, there will be a quiz. 

Class dismissed.