~Why, Trend? Why?!? (GAP/Guy Assistance Program)

In a continued effort to help online guys everywhere, we're revisiting the Claymore laden land of profile photos.  Of all of the, um, "interesting" photos we've seen there seems to be a few very popular and very bad trends we recommend you avoid.  ...In fact, as if your life depended on it, because your dating life actually does.  That is, if you are looking to appeal to chicks...

Bad Pic Trends to Avoid:

The Look At My Nipples

Thank you Somp for coining the phrase, "I dig guys in shirts"!! 

The I Have No Friends

Guys, it's not the hardest thing in the world, it's not like asking for directions for fucks sake.  It's asking a someone (friend, family, stranger on the street) to take a quick snappy for you.  Clllllllick!  Done.  The cell phone/mirror thing is played out, does not yield your most favorable or flattering best foot picture forward, and is fixed with 7 words; "Will you take a picture for me?" 

 

The Drive 'N Click

Yeah, you gotta car.  Got it.  ...Maybe it's because we're girls, and are generally only soooo interested in cars, but we just don't understand the obsession with in vehicle pics.  While not the largest of photo offenses, it's not something that's gonna make us take any sort of special note of you either.  

The Nobody'll Recognize This Is Me With Shades Pic

Dear Guys,

Sunglasses are not, I repeat, n-o-t a disguise.  If we know you, we'd be able to recognize you regardless of your shades.  Fail.  Choosing to wear sunglasses does keep us from seeing your peepers, which as it's frowned upon to walk around with your junk out, eyes are one of only a scant few other physical parts we have any interest in at all.  Sunglasses on your only, or every pic is the equivalent of a boy burka.  You're hiding something that is more than likely gonna be a huge asset for you, dumbass.

Love,

BBG, on behalf of girls everywhere.  Literally.

The Well, My Hands Are Clean (we hope!), Might As Well Take A Picture Photos

Seriously guys?? ... You're out? ...Throwin' back a few, maybe eatin' a couple of wings, you break the seal and then BAM!!  "I gotta get a picture in this public restroom"????... 

Congrats!  You've made 'what the fuck' seems woefully inadequate.

The Burt Reynolds

Fact:  The Burt Reynolds ONLY works if you ARE Burt Reynolds.  And if it's 1977.

Make sure you've got it:

• If you are not in/near a body of water or involved in some other sanctioned 'I'm not wearin' a shirt activity' Don't go topless.  (Remember:  Girls dig guys in shirts.)
• Do resist the urge to use a picture from a mother fuckin' public restroom.  The dearth of icky vibes, connotations and sense memories that seeing that bathroom brings to us, trust me-- it's not the mindset you want us in as we glean our first impressions of you.
• Do leave the Burt Reynoldsing to Burt Reynolds.  And possibly Ryan Reynolds.  All other men just say no!!
• My prom date kept his glasses on in practically every picture taken.  Know what almost every girl who's ever seen my prom pic has said?  And I fuckin' quote, who's that douchebag? unquote.  We don't hate the sunglasses, but we do generally love a guys eyes.  Do play to your strengths and show us those baby blues.
• Cell phone/mirror pics.  Enough already.  Every third guy it seems is that guy.  Don't you want us to see you literally and figuratively as someone different from all of the other guys with a camera phone out there?  Don't be cookie cutter.  Do have a real snap taken and show us some of your personality.
• Do feel free to skip the driving shot, a safety belt and steering wheel doesn't turn us on, like apparently you guys think it will.  It's probably not very safe anyway.

Until next time class...

~Dear Dumbass Driver

Dear Dumbass Driver,

In case you were unaware, and clearly you are, the side mirror included standard on your vehicle is there for a reason.  A safety reason, and not as you seem to believe, to function as a foot rest.

(Spied on my way to pick up Nana for the weekend)

Driving is somewhat akin to being at an amusement park, the best practice is to leave your fuckin' limbs inside the vehicle at all times.  Personally, I don't make it a habit to even put my arm outta the car whilst driving as it seems like a pretty good fuckin' way to loose my arm, if lets say the driver approaching me suddenly has an MI and sideswipes my ride. 

Sure, you think I'm overly cautious, but look at me typing with both hands.  A lot of shit that is "unlikely" happens.  Melting nuclear reactors are "unlikely" to happen, but I'm guessin' anyone near Fukushima cookin' from the inside out affected by the nuclear plant wishes safety had been more at the forefront before things went hinky.  It only takes a moment for things to go haywire.  Due to some crazy ass amazing math (thanks Motorcop 

http://motorcopblog.com/2011/06/23/speed-estimation-yours-vs-mine/ ) I have an inkling of how quickly things can happen at highway speeds.  And while I can't really explain that (see why I gave you the link?), it looks like faster than I suspect you have the ability to bring that damn left leg of yours back into the relative safety of your vehicle.   

In addition to the danger factor to your appendages, you may notice that your big ass tennis shoe'd up foot obscures your view from the mirror.  ...Although, I'm guessin' if you don't give a rats ass about keepin' that leg all the rest of your life, you're probably not the sort concerning yourself with big picture bullshit like seein' traffic behind/beside you as your motor on your way.  Fuck 'em, am I right?...

Just so you know I am not the only one who has a problem with your modified driving technique.  According to a lil' ditty known as the Ohio Revised Code (4513.23) which states that your dumbass muther fuckin' foot blocking half of your mirror is not only stupid but against the law.  ...And as you may know 'round these parts, Troop don't play.

(The actual code for the 1 person who gives a rats reads:  (A) Every motor vehicle, motorcycle, and trackless trolley shall be equipped with a mirror so located as to reflect to the operator a view of the highway to the rear of such vehicle, motorcycle, or trackless trolley. Operators of vehicles, motorcycles, streetcars, and trackless trolleys shall have a clear and unobstructed view to the front and to both sides of their vehicles, motorcycles, streetcars, or trackless trolleys and shall have a clear view to the rear of their vehicles, motorcycles, streetcars, or trackless trolleys by mirror.)

Question:  Do you really think Troop who A) who has to wear this hat all shift and II) is regimented enough to, ya know, be a Troop is gonna think your footloose and fancy free drivin' style is funny while being tasked with enforcing the highway laws?

Answer:  No.  Enjoy that fine hoss!

Lastly, while you driving skillz lead me to believe you're a bloomin' idiot, you should know that it also makes me think you're driving the highways and byways whackin' off.  Yep, that's right, in addition to thinking your a bad driver I think you're a public chicken choker, so congratulations dumbass you've also got that goin' for ya.  'Tis a banner day indeed.

Love,
BBG

P.S.  When I inevitably see the headline, "Dumbass Looses Leg In Crash", I'll know it's you.  And I will be laughing my ass off. 

Dear God,
It's me, BBG.  I'm sorry I'm such an ass. 
Love,
BBG

~Continuing Ed (GAP)

Alright class, settle down, pencils out.  Last time we discussed the importance of picture selection (aka: the first 1st impression), today we're gonna take a peek at a few other integral aspects where many guys are failing. 

Badly.


Your Profile-
There are soooo many ways to fuck this up.  So.  Very.  Many.   Let's begin with the "duh's"... Spelling and grammar;  USE THEM!  For fucks sake, what makes ya think it's not important?  For at least 12 years, every day in school people tried to emphasise this point.  Why would you think it doesn't matter here? 

We're not expecting you to write a profile that could be mistaken for your dissertation, however, it also shouldn't read like a slow, possibly dyslexic 14 year old wrote it either.  Girls aren't going to knock each other over to get to the dumb boy in the room, even if he's cute.  Try a little punctuation.  Craft coherent thoughts.  Use fuckin' spell check.  God, Bill Gates and Al Gore made it for a reason.

This is real:
(sic) "ian laid back guy like going out haven fun like to go listen to live music like countrymusic and older rocken roll like to sit anround fire pit and cook outs like to go to fairs and fleamarket i like going camping and fishing like to restore old cars like to work out in the yard i have work very hard get thing iv got i like to joke around just some good old fun it is better tell truth up front to wait it to late ian looking for someone loyal and honest im looking for someone that is serious in meeting getting to know each other i dont pretend to be someone im not i like wacthing demlition derby i run few my self some women on here think that there great on here if there great why are there on this site looking for some one they think there to good to talk people need to know just ask like they say you judge a book by it cover you just might just miss a good one no players"

Holy fuck grammar Batman. 



~This Isn't An Election Commerical, Don't Go Negative:  Your profile is not the place to address your deep seeded and painful issues.  "GAMES, LIES, CONFUSION...Whats the point", "No more pussies.  Real women only, please" (-- I know we're talkin' "don'ts", but, honestly I give a bit of credit for the no problem usage of pussy, with the respect of a please.), "do any women tell the truth?  tired of the BS", "tired of girls so FULL OF THEMSELVES", "All gold diggers exit now please", "looking for someone who is not a ****"; are all great things to discuss with your shrink, or over a beer with your buddy.  These are not things to include in your profile.  Why?  Because such shit just show us that however you were burned in your last relationship(s), you've not really worked through it.  These words are the hallmark that let us know that those past unresolved experiences taint the prism by which you'll be able to see or experience anything/one new.  --And not in the 'live, learn, watch out for way' either.  But in the, 'I'm gonna make you pay for someone elses stupidity, infidelity, inconsideration, selfishness, mean-ness, etc, way'.   Guys don't want to be punished for the last boyfriends bad actions, neither do girls.   

This is real:
(sic)  "Discribing myself does no good for the person reading this discription. I can say or write anything to make myself sound great or to try to convince you to contact me, but the only way your really going to know who I am is to talk and get to know me. Dating is hard enough as it is, but when you try to make yourself something your not, then that makes it even harder. I am a good man that made some bad choices in the women that I have married. I am not scared of making a comment as long as it isnt a one sided relationship. I dont have a problem being romantic if that is what a women likes."

Cliche's are so because they are rooted in truth, you will get more with honey than vinegar.   Eliminate the negative and focus in on the fuckin' positive.  Write good traits you have or desire in a mate.  Qualities that ideally you'd like to find, not how that damn (insert name here) screwed you over.  Describe why we would want to hang out with you, not give us a reason not to.  Make you appealing. 



~Watch Your Tone:  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP YELLING AT US. 

This is real:
(sic)  "I AM AN AMBITIOUS, FUN LOVING GUY AND I AM LOOKING ON THIS SITE FOR A NICE HONEST WOMAN TO DATE AND GO OUT AND HAVE FUN WITH GOING TO EVENTS, FAIRS,SHOPPING OR WHATEVER. I AM REAL DOWN TO EARTH SIMPLE KIND OF GUY. I DON'T LIKE TO MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY HAVE TO BE. JUST LIKE TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST BECAUSE THE YEARS SEEM TO JUST FLY BY. I THINK LIFE IS TO SHORT TO BE LONELY. AND MISERABLE. BUT I WORK ALOT OF HOURS AT WORK AND I LIVE BY MYSELF, EXCEPT FOR MY DOG, WHICH I LOVE TO DEATH! SHE IS SPOILED ROTTEN BUT SHE IS A GOOD DOGGIE! I AM AN OUTDOOR PERSON, I LIKE CAMPING,CEDAR POINT,GARDENING. AND RENOVATION. PROJECTS AROUND THE HOUSE.SO IF YOU THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO MEET SOMETIME AND GET TO KNOW ME, SEND ME A MESSAGE"


You'll find a wee key to the left of your left hand pinkie.  FUCKING PUSH IT.

Conversely, please don't whhhhisper. 

This is real:
(sic)   "i will like to meet someone to go out tosee a good movie,eat i love food,go to a club i like to dance and drink some just in off to make me feel good ,i like all kinds of music i think is the best thing to do to the stress go out and forget about everything that way you dont think about u problems bills etc."

Good grief.  All of those lower case "i"'s.  It strikes us as the typing of a sad sack, perhaps someone who walks around head lowered and kinda stooped over. Yes, it is the poor posture of writing.  If Charlie Brown had email, I bet he'd write in all lower case.  ...Even Peppermint Pattie didn't want Charlie Brown. 

You'll find a button to remedy this on the left hand side, again near the pinkie (and we all know that if the pinkie can make it happen, it's not too much effort), it says 'shift', hit it every now and again.



~Remember You Are Not Fabio:  Yes, everyone likes the idea of a life that looks like the cover of a romance novel, (I guess?) chocked full o' long walks on the beach, horseback rides at sunset and skipping through fields of clover.  Unless you A) happen to live on oceanfront property (George Strait shout out!), 2) own a horse,  III) or are legitimately an heir to the  Massengill fortune, feel completely free to leave such things out of your profile.  Honestly, it doesn't show that you're tryin' very hard, or are really in touch with what a girl wants.  It also doesn't differentiate you from the other 98 guys who included "walks in the rain" in some misguided attempt to woo us. 



~It's Hard To Start:  "I don't know where to begin", "I'm no good at writing this stuff" and all other variations.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Got it.  Not interesting.  Or informative.  It's the filler in your profile crab cake, and nobody orders the crab cake because it's got extra filler.  Give us some juicy, flaky, sweet goodness and just fuckin' start already.



~Be Confident, Not Cocky:  FYI, girls don't like cocky.  Cockiness always covers for low self esteem and/or real, or imagined, perceived internal inadequacies.  A confident guy is secure in his...um....his-ness.  He owns what he is.  He doesn't need to play it up because he's solid with who he is.  A cocky guy isn't secure enough in his 'his-ness' to let that speak for itself.  Nooooo, he's gotta get all boasty and braggy about it in an attempt to lure a girl in, because he thinks his his-ness isn't enough, which always comes off as desperate and sad.  And what girl needs an added dose of desperate and sad in her life? 

This is real:
I'm online here, looking for a real relationship. I'm social, have lots of friends, but I've found the girls in LA bars are not interested in a relationship, being a couple. Moreover, I'm kind of hard to "get". I'm sensitive, totally love to be in committed relationships, believe in the Romeo and Juliet in-love-forever, hearts-race-when-we-see-each-other kind of love (and I write songs about that), but without knowing that a girl in a bar sees a tall, blue-eyed good-looking, fun, rich guy who own a couple of luxury houses on the beach, collects exotic cars, plays in a party band, works out to have six pack abs, and mastered a stock market hedge fund. So you can imagine finding a match is a bit challenging. I know the true comes out in the lyrics of the songs I write. Good stuff, here's one song I wrote:



"A Kiss, is a beautiful thing. Affection shaped and curled together. A union with blind eyes, and open hearts"...

Remember:  Confident = good.  Cocky = you spending another night rubbin' one out.



...Well.  On that note, we'll wrap things up for the day. 

Before you make your profile:

• Decide what vibe you want girls to take away from your content.  Establish your objective.  Pen your narrative accordingly.
• Convey something that sets you apart, that's interesting, something that shows a trait that makes us think you'd potentially make a good match.  
• Don't be David Downer.  Accentuate the positive.
• Do be yourself, but be the yourself that uses fucking spell check.  Make friends with periods, commas and paragraphs.
• Make YOU appealing.
• Include what's known as a call to action.  Cajole, tempt, dare, entice your reader to take an action and reach out to you.  Create an easy opening for her to say hello.

Next time, making contact.  Cllllllllaaaasssssss dismissed.


* Special, big ass Thanks to Somp for your "research" assistance and all 'round general cool chick-ness.    

~Two Girls Helping 1 Guy At A Time

...Wait.  That title sounds like a threesome. 

WARNING:  THIS POST HAS ZERO TO DO WITH MENAGE ET TROIS.

Alright. 

Now that we have that cleared up...

Sooooooo, I'm starting to dip my tootsies into the dating pool.  Afuckingain.  I feel like it would be all to easy to not.  But I know that's not in the best interest of BBG happiness.  I tell ya though, the older I get, the more stuff that happens, the more I kinda understand how full-time bitter people come to be.   When I was younger, I used to wonder how some grownups were so unhappy or angry with, seemingly everything.  Now that I'm o-l-d I understand, I know it takes effort, determination and strength to get back up when life hands you a beat down.   It's infinitely easier to stay down on the mat, mired in bitterness and sad-sackdom, than to stagger back up to your feet and take another swing, ya know?  Here's the thing about the mat, sure it's safer there, but the belt can't be won from down there.  Choices.  We all have 'em.  And I'm choosing to stand up and take another shot at the title.

I'm "out there again".  It is what it is. 

And what it is, is odd. 

(Disclaimer:  Generally, I dig odd.  I think odd is wicked awesome.)

In addition to randomly bumping into guys, setups, etc.  Or as Somp phrases it in her cool kid Cali way , "meeting organically",  I am checking out the online guy options.  I was chattin' with Somp, who is also perusing the online guy meeting options, the other day when the convo turned to guys and the (in our estimation) crazy ass stuff we noticed or have experienced, particularly online.  (Hence, the 2 girls part.  See.  I told ya' no kinky sex.)

Maybe because we both have a background in advertising/marketing, we might notice things slightly differently than the average girlie.  We realize the vital importance of 'positioning', and how it can be a deal maker, or breaker.  But at the end of the day, while we might be a tad more critical attuned to things (like marketing yourself), we are still just people.  People who just like everybody else forms a judgement, and bases decisions on cursory info available to us.   

I know, I know, ya shouldn't judge a book by it's cover and all the rest of that happy horseshit...  But when all you have to go on is the book cover, what else can we make our assessment on?

As a aid to all guys we've selected a few of the most common don't's, in our opinion.  As advertising taught us many, many years ago, you don't get a second chance to make a first impression.  (Thank you Head and Shoulders ad team!) 

Might as well start with the first first impression. 

Photos-

This really seems to be a pitfall for the penis people. Before you post a picture. We beg of you, THINK.

Take a moment to think about to someone who knows squat about you, what that picture tells them you are. (Of course, we don't want you to post some pic that is what you looked like one day in your life, if that's not the authentic you. Be who you are. But be cognizant that the little thumbnail pic we see is literally all we know about you, make sure you're making your best case for why we would want to find out any more.)

'Cause here's what we think when we see this stuff:

...to show me how to flip a picture...

(mentally finishing your headline)

Do you reeeeeally want to introduce yourself to us by saying ya don't know how to use that lil' rotate button? That's too advanced for ya? Or you're just sooooo not detail oriented that you couldn't bother with the 1.3 seconds it would have taken to have flipped that around? It makes us think dumb or lazy. Neither of which tend to be on many skirts wish lists, ya know? If you're making me throw out my neck to even see if ya might be appealing, now, how thoughtful will you be of us in 3 weeks when best foot forward behavior is weaning?

Don't plant that seed in our minds. Make us seeing you easy. Don't use a fuzzy photo that we can't reeeeeally see ya. Make sure at least one of your pics is a clear face pic. ...And don't make us break our necks to do it.

...What? Maybe with the sunglasses nobody'll recognize you?

Somebody like, let's say YOUR WIFE?!?...

This also makes me think something else, oh, what was it? Mmmmm? Oh, yeah, ASSSSSSHOLE I guess there are girls who don't care about helping you commit adultery. Good on ya for being upfront in your infidelity, I guess. (P.S. You're parents must be proud.)

...Get to know you?

What?  So I can judge whether we could hang or not?...

What kinda crazy ass statement is that? You may not be doing yourself any service if your headline brings to our mind words like incongruent, ironic (in the not good way) and kinda kooky. Or if our mind starts to wander and considers if Mr. T did have a lovechild? (Although, that's just a personal impression. I'm confident that many girls totally go for the starter kit vibe.)

...And kinda creepy...

(mentally Paul Harvey-ing the rest of the headline)

Really, unless you're looking for former illusion assistants, this might not be the very best "hello" choice of pics. Let you're freak flag fly and all, but know that this cuts out a huge number of girls to consider you as date potential. This is akin to postin' a pic with your Star Trek/Wars costume attending a "con" of some sort. Sure, we know you guys like that stuff and junk, and that's cool, whateves, but it's not exactly the way to reel people with boobs in, ya know? A showman like this should know how to play to his audience better.

...Bitter much?...

(Because I am who I yam, I also think LAW BREAKER!

You're not supposed to wear buds whilst driving.

It's dangerous, dumbass.)

That's riiiiiight, nuthin' brings the girlies in like offending them!  The headline, and other variations of the whine-y same theme, "are there any good honest women left?", "nice guys finish last", which no matter what words are selected or what order they're lined up, all just scream; negative(!), childish(!), bitter(!), hot mess(!), again, none of which are in any girl's pro collum. Listen, we all have our negative, bitter moments. ...Maybe that's just not the moment to write your profile/email/headline. Honestly, this headline also makes girls wonder what kinda craptastic vibe he must be throwing out there to seemingly, illicit such negative responses from the girls he has "complimented"? (raises eyebrow)

..When I was seventeeeeeeeen, it was a verrrrrry good year...

If you are actually closer to being a senior citizen than being a teen, ya probably shouldn't use your senior picture.  First of all ya know who has a good senior picture?  That's right, nodamnbody.  Which should be enough of a reason to chose another fuckin' picture.  But if it's not, consider why we'd even give a shit about what you looked like 20+ years ago?  Exactly how's that helpin' us now?  Do you posses time travel technology that would allow us to go hurl back in time so that we could be on the arm of your 18 year old self?  If the answer is no, please use current photos. 

...Who's also a skilled barber for me and my tragic pal...

What can we possibly add to this cautionary photo tale?  Uh, other than don't, and nexxxxt!!

Remember the camera adds 10lbs.  And a mobile home.  BTW, something girls in a tornado zone rarely find appealing.  Again, we're girls.  We notice everything you're telling us, whether verbally or visually.  Consider not only what you look like in your selected photo, but what assumptions we'll make from background details.

That's it for today's class.  Next time we'll delve into some other prevalent pitfalls.  For now study up, there will be a quiz. 

Class dismissed.

~Thank You For NOT Askin'

The conversation started out with the statement, "I don't know if I need your boy help, but I do need your boy advice".  Probably, behind "we gotta talk" or "does this make my ass look fat", not the most welcome words to any guys ears, right? 

I explained that I may have dropped at least a quarter and two pennies down the garbage disposal.  Of course, by "may" I meant, I totally dropped some fucking change down the disposal.  And that my solution, at first, had been putting an orange down the disposal, running H2O and turning it on.  Looking back, even I'm not really sure why that was the best fix-it solution I had.  ...I'm just sayin' it was.

Guess what?  As you probably already have surmised, that didn't exactly produce the fix I searched for in my feeble, girl, fix-it mind.

My next move was to look up a video of how to fix the disposal.  Clearly, this should have been my first move.  Oh, well...If Cher can't do it, what hope do I have to turn back time?  Anyhoo, there I was on the floor usin' some crazy ass doohickey (aka: Mr. Allen Wrench) and pressing the reset button.  (Good News:  If you should ever have a [reasonable] clog or sumthin', it's a super easy process and you will definitely be able to do it.)  Unfortunately, $0.27 and an orange isn't exxxxxactly the same as, 'opps!! too many mashed potatoes down the drain'. 

The game plan then switched to a recovery operation.  Out came some tongs and in I went, grasping, and eventually aggressively poking at the orange to bring it back from the disposal.  Think of this as what it would be like to actually have to push a newborn back into mom once it's already out.  ...With tongs. 

It was not natural. 

It was not pretty. 

It was not easy. 

But I did get it done.

Another BBG helpful hint for ya, change is extremely hard to see in the disposal.  It's those damn black flappy things.  You can't really get a good vantage point on anything that's not directly in the center of the disposal.  Sooooooo of course my next thought is, I need a magic telescopic magnet.

Which is where my need for guy advice began to directly impact Dole Pineapple, who because he works 6 seconds from my front door had stopped by for a post workday check-in.  After hearing my cracked out home maintenance tale, and a query as to if he actually happened to own some magic telescopic magnet (and a head shake, eye roll and stifled laughter later), Dole Pineapple asked if I needed a new disposal installed.   Honestly, he got half giddy at the prospect.  I explained that it seems to be working when coins are not jamming it.  (Again, thank you YouTube video gleamed knowledge!) 

Once he informed me that change isn't magnetic and blowing my telescopic magnet solution, he offered to fix it on the spot.  I declined as A) he had just stopped by to say hello, with no expectation of dealing with a home project-- at someone else's home for fucks sake.  2)  I'd already re-birthed this orange.  So I was still operating on the misguided assumption that I could do anything.   ...Why not have the satisfaction of remedying the situation myself?

As we discussed some other catch up stuff and consumed a glass of wine, I asked where on the scale of 1 to 10 that he thought I could accomplish getting those coins out myself.   I'm fairly sure he flat out lied to my face as the words, "I think you probably could" hit the atmosphere.  (I knew it was a lie because it was presented in the same tone I hear when I think in my head, 'I could be a size 6'.  The semi mocking tone of, unlikely possibility to bordering on full on thaaaat's never gonna fuckin' happen-ness.) 

He then followed that up with, "but I wouldn't want you to get hurt so I'd feel better if you just let me do it". 

I then followed that up with thinking, 'I wouldn't want me to get hurt either.  ...And now I'd feel better if you just do it"

Decision made.

He told me part of his plan included turning off the breaker before he goes in after the Washington and Lincoln's.  Something that in all of my how-to approach of this trauma never ever once entered my mind.  Proving that I require adult supervision.

As Dole Pineapple headed out to go attend to his d oh double g after a long (and now BBG made ridiculous) day, we made a plan for him to swing by with the express purpose of disposal fixin'/coin retrieval.  He offered to swing by the following evening.  I'm not trying to make *you* doin' me a favor more of a pain in the ass, ya know?    And what Dole Pineapple doesn't know is that I rarely use the disposal.  Why?  'Cause a constant cycle of grilled ham and cheese, cob, peanut butter and jellies, wedge salad and Chick O Sticks don't demand much disposal usage.   Plus, there is no food in it so it's not like sumethin' is getting stinky in there.  As it's obviously zero of an emergency we made a plan for the rainy day this weekend.

I am thankful that he happened by in my time of dumbassidness need, has the skillz to do something about it and the kindness to offer to do so. 

...And this is probably something that makes me a baaaaad person.  I found myself mostly thankful that during this conversation Dole Pineapple never asked me how the change got in the garbage disposal. 

It's not a bad/I'm goin' to jail/hell story. 

More of a, some Big Brown Girl is a world class dumbass tale. 

Alright, alright.  I guess as I am trying to be a solution I should share to help others avoid my pitfalls... 

Even when it casts me in a bad light.  Fine.  

Reality is still real, even when I don't like it.  Accepted.

Ok.  Short version:  Don't try to clean all of the free range salt that's accumulated in your purse by wackin' it a few times upside down over the sink.  At least not the side with the garbage disposal.  Unfortunate things can transpire.   You're welcome.