~Why, Trend? Why?!? (GAP/Guy Assistance Program)

In a continued effort to help online guys everywhere, we're revisiting the Claymore laden land of profile photos.  Of all of the, um, "interesting" photos we've seen there seems to be a few very popular and very bad trends we recommend you avoid.  ...In fact, as if your life depended on it, because your dating life actually does.  That is, if you are looking to appeal to chicks...

Bad Pic Trends to Avoid:

The Look At My Nipples

Thank you Somp for coining the phrase, "I dig guys in shirts"!! 

The I Have No Friends

Guys, it's not the hardest thing in the world, it's not like asking for directions for fucks sake.  It's asking a someone (friend, family, stranger on the street) to take a quick snappy for you.  Clllllllick!  Done.  The cell phone/mirror thing is played out, does not yield your most favorable or flattering best foot picture forward, and is fixed with 7 words; "Will you take a picture for me?" 

 

The Drive 'N Click

Yeah, you gotta car.  Got it.  ...Maybe it's because we're girls, and are generally only soooo interested in cars, but we just don't understand the obsession with in vehicle pics.  While not the largest of photo offenses, it's not something that's gonna make us take any sort of special note of you either.  

The Nobody'll Recognize This Is Me With Shades Pic

Dear Guys,

Sunglasses are not, I repeat, n-o-t a disguise.  If we know you, we'd be able to recognize you regardless of your shades.  Fail.  Choosing to wear sunglasses does keep us from seeing your peepers, which as it's frowned upon to walk around with your junk out, eyes are one of only a scant few other physical parts we have any interest in at all.  Sunglasses on your only, or every pic is the equivalent of a boy burka.  You're hiding something that is more than likely gonna be a huge asset for you, dumbass.

Love,

BBG, on behalf of girls everywhere.  Literally.

The Well, My Hands Are Clean (we hope!), Might As Well Take A Picture Photos

Seriously guys?? ... You're out? ...Throwin' back a few, maybe eatin' a couple of wings, you break the seal and then BAM!!  "I gotta get a picture in this public restroom"????... 

Congrats!  You've made 'what the fuck' seems woefully inadequate.

The Burt Reynolds

Fact:  The Burt Reynolds ONLY works if you ARE Burt Reynolds.  And if it's 1977.

Make sure you've got it:

• If you are not in/near a body of water or involved in some other sanctioned 'I'm not wearin' a shirt activity' Don't go topless.  (Remember:  Girls dig guys in shirts.)
• Do resist the urge to use a picture from a mother fuckin' public restroom.  The dearth of icky vibes, connotations and sense memories that seeing that bathroom brings to us, trust me-- it's not the mindset you want us in as we glean our first impressions of you.
• Do leave the Burt Reynoldsing to Burt Reynolds.  And possibly Ryan Reynolds.  All other men just say no!!
• My prom date kept his glasses on in practically every picture taken.  Know what almost every girl who's ever seen my prom pic has said?  And I fuckin' quote, who's that douchebag? unquote.  We don't hate the sunglasses, but we do generally love a guys eyes.  Do play to your strengths and show us those baby blues.
• Cell phone/mirror pics.  Enough already.  Every third guy it seems is that guy.  Don't you want us to see you literally and figuratively as someone different from all of the other guys with a camera phone out there?  Don't be cookie cutter.  Do have a real snap taken and show us some of your personality.
• Do feel free to skip the driving shot, a safety belt and steering wheel doesn't turn us on, like apparently you guys think it will.  It's probably not very safe anyway.

Until next time class...